Perfectionism and Shame in Neurodivergent Employees: How HR and Managers Can Provide Support

Perfectionism often looks like dedication, drive, and high standards. But beneath that polished surface lies something more painful: shame.

As Brené Brown reminds us in Atlas of the Heart, perfectionism is rarely about healthy striving—it’s about protection. For autistic and ADHD employees, it often becomes a survival strategy to mask differences and avoid criticism in workplaces not designed with neurodivergent minds in mind.

For HR leaders and managers, recognising this connection isn’t just a wellbeing issue—it’s a performance, retention, and culture issue.

Understanding the Link Between Shame and Perfectionism

Research shows that perfectionism is closely linked to shame and self-criticism, particularly when someone feels their identity makes them “less than” in professional settings (Curran & Hill, 2019).

For neurodivergent employees, this can look like:

• Over-preparing for meetings to avoid being caught off guard

• Avoiding delegation because mistakes feel catastrophic

• Masking natural behaviours like stimming or asking clarifying questions

• Over-monitoring tone, wording, or facial expression to appear “acceptable”

This often overlaps with the impostor phenomenon, which can be amplified when people feel their natural work styles are undervalued.

When Shame Shows Up at Work

I once worked with a client who checked every email three times before sending it. On paper, this looked like attention to detail. But underneath, it was fear.

Years earlier, a typo had led to harsh feedback—and that memory still lived in their body as shame. The problem wasn’t “time management.” It was unacknowledged emotional pain.

Until that was met with compassion, no productivity hack could help.

Why Behaviour-Focused Interventions Miss the Point

Many workplace guides frame perfectionism as a performance issue—encouraging people to “stop overthinking” or “let go of perfect.”

But if perfectionism is a response to shame, these fixes only touch the surface. They can even make things worse, reinforcing the belief that someone is “failing” at self-improvement.

Instead, HR and managers should ask:

“What shame might this person be carrying, and how is our workplace reinforcing it?”

Creating Conditions That Reduce Shame

Perfectionism isn’t solved by telling someone to relax. It shifts when people feel safe enough to be imperfect. Here’s how leaders can create that safety:

1. Maintain a “Heartbeat” Connection

Send short, consistent messages that communicate psychological safety, such as:

“I’m okay, you’re okay, we’re okay.”

This reassurance helps lower fear and regulate the nervous system.

2. Name and Celebrate Strengths

Neurodivergent employees often focus on errors, rather than achievements.
Be intentional about pointing out what’s going well—even when it seems obvious.

3. Normalise Mistakes

Model imperfection. Share your own errors and what you learned.
This suggests that mistakes are a natural part of growth, rather than a threat to belonging.

4. Reduce Ambiguity

Clarity is kindness. Clear expectations and transparent feedback reduce the cognitive load and anxiety that fuel perfectionism.

5. Recognise Masking

If someone seems “always on,” consider that they might be masking.
Offer flexible working options, breaks between meetings, or informal communication methods.

👉 For a deeper understanding, explore our Workplace Needs Assessment package, which identifies hidden barriers and creates practical support strategies.

The Cultural Roots of Shame

Shame doesn’t exist in isolation—it thrives in cultures that reward compliance, speed, and flawless performance.

When perfectionism is widespread, it’s often a signal of systemic fear rather than individual overdrive.

Building inclusive workplaces means moving beyond “error-free” expectations and embracing psychological safety, trust, and genuine inclusion.

A Reframing Moment: Permission to Be “Good Enough”

A client once shared something their manager told them:

“Your 80% is better than most people’s 100%.”

At first, they dismissed it. Later, they realised it was permission—to stop chasing perfection and start working sustainably.
This small reframing freed up energy for creativity, innovation, and joy.

From Perfectionism to Authentic Contribution

If perfectionism is showing up in your workplace, it may be signalling unspoken shame or masking.

By shifting from performance management to shame reduction and authentic inclusion, HR professionals can create conditions where neurodivergent employees contribute their best—not through fear, but through trust.

Next Steps for HR and Managers

• Explore: Workplace Needs Assessments to uncover underlying drivers of perfectionism.

• Engage: Book a Talk or Workshop to start building a culture of psychological safety.

• Empower: Offer Coaching to help employees replace self-criticism with sustainable confidence.

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