To be unclear is to be unkind: neurodiversity and the trust trap
“To be clear is to be kind. To be unclear is to be unkind.” Brene Brown.
Not long ago, someone I worked with was struggling in their role. They were not hitting targets. Their team was frustrated. Their manager did not know what to do. On paper, it appeared to be a poor performance.
But what was really going on?
The expectations had not been made clear. The communication was patchy. The rules of engagement were never agreed upon, and in that silence the individual began to spiral. They grew anxious. They began to feel scrutinised. At one point, they wondered aloud whether spyware had been installed on their device to track their every move. It had not. Their manager was not surveilling them. But the damage was done.
A seed of doubt had been planted. And it did not grow in a vacuum: it grew in the rich soil of silence.
To be unclear is to be unkind: miscommunication is costly
Misunderstandings like this do not just cost time: they erode trust. They create stories where none exist. They lead people to feel unseen, unheard, and unsafe.
And it is not just an interpersonal issue. A recent poll found that employees spend around 7.5 hours per week dealing with miscommunication, nearly 20% of their working week, and that the majority of workers say unclear communication directly wastes their time.
Now imagine this playing out in a neurodivergent workplace.
To be unclear is to be unkind: why ambiguity is a stress state for neurodivergent employees
For many neurodivergent people, whether autistic, ADHD, dyslexic, or otherwise, ambiguity does not feel like flexibility. It feels like a risk.
No clarity on how to ask for help? It may not feel safe to try. No defined expectations on output? Someone might keep tweaking endlessly or freeze entirely. No shared rules of engagement? They may assume they are doing everything wrong and start bracing for the fallout.
It is easy to label this as oversensitivity or paranoia. But these are often people who have experienced unclear communication as a consistent barrier, sometimes a threat to their credibility or psychological safety. That context matters.
The danger of assumptions
When there is a communication gap, people do not simply sit in the unknown. They fill that gap. And rarely generously.
In the story above, the employee assumed they were being monitored. Why? Because no one had said otherwise. There was no transparency about how performance was being assessed. Silence left room for doubt.
From the manager’s side, they assumed the employee understood what was expected. They thought they would speak up if something was wrong. Two people, two different stories, neither with bad intentions. But assumption, silence, and vagueness created a trust gap that neither side knew how to close.
5 communication practices for managers working with neurodivergent teams
1. Paint done: show what good looks like
Do not just say “make sure this is finished by Friday.” Spell out what done means: what the final deliverable looks like, where it should be stored, who needs to review it, and what should happen if things go off track. This removes guesswork and saves hours of rework and anxiety.
2. Set and revisit rules of engagement
Especially in hybrid or remote teams, clarify which tools are used for what, the expected response time, how people should flag when they are overwhelmed or stuck, and what a successful check-in looks like. This is not rigidity: it is shared scaffolding. For neurodivergent employees, that scaffolding can make or break performance.
3. Make the trust conversation explicit
Rather than assuming trust is implied, say it directly: “I do not monitor every move. I look at results, communication, and outcomes. If something is unclear, I want us to be able to talk about it early, not after the fact.” Creating a shared expectation that talking about the process is part of the process changes everything.
4. Use curiosity rather than assumption
Instead of “Why did you not do this?”, try “Help me understand how you approached this” or “What was your understanding of the ask?” These questions keep the conversation open and uncover the real root of the problem without putting people on the defensive.
5. Name and challenge your own assumptions
Assumptions are easy to miss. You assume someone is disengaged because they are quiet. You assume they understood the deadline. You assume they prefer async communication. Start naming these internally before taking action. When you model that kind of thinking, your team learns to do the same.
Trust is not just built: it is repaired, revisited, and re-clarified
No team gets this right all the time. Miscommunications will happen. But the difference lies in what happens next.
When you lead from the belief that misunderstandings are not failures but invitations, you create environments where neurodivergent employees can focus on their strengths rather than burning energy decoding vague signals.
Clarity is not control. Clarity is care.
Ready to build more neuroinclusive communication in your organisation?
If this resonates and you would like practical support in building clearer, kinder communication across your teams, our talks and workshops give managers and HR leaders the tools to make this shift in practice.
For one-to-one support, our coaching offer helps both managers and neurodivergent employees build strategies that work. And if a more structured assessment of an individual’s workplace needs would be a useful starting point, our Workplace Needs Assessment packages provide a clear, evidence-based route forward.
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